When you break up.

 

 

 

Singles       Dating       Relationships       Back to Coach       Personal development

 

Grief.

Whether it happened for the best or for the worst, whether it was your choice or not, breakups are always painful and require a period of grief to get through before you're ready to get into a new relationship. A grief is something you owe to yourself and someone who can potentially be in your next relationship. Even if your ex did something to you that you consider terrible and unforgivable, grief is still necessary. You are not grieving to honor someone who left you, cheated on you or mistreated you, you are grieving to honor yourself and your feelings of loss of something you used to cherish and hold dear once before. Grieving is about honoring your ability to love someone and the fact that your love is now lost. If you choose to ignore, diminish or suppress your painful feelings of loss, your grief will turn into resentment which is much more poisonous to your spirit than the pain of loss. However if you chose to face your pain and go through it, your heart will grow stronger, wiser and your pain may not even last as long as you thought it would. Don't try to hurry up your grief or make it go away. Allow it to take its own course and it will dissipate when it's time comes, and just like winter will eventually end.

The worst thing you can do in your grief is to judge yourself for your feelings. And it doesn't help when your friends tell you things like "it's time to start dating someone new". It is a bad idea to hurry up and jump into a new relationship while you're still angry with your ex. It is not fare to use someone else to get over someone you still have feelings for. Rebound relationship will not open you up to love, most of the time it will shut you down even further, because essentially you are not getting what you need. Your job is to just feel your feelings and let them pass through you, trusting that they will pass and it will take as long as it will. Don't try to hold on to painful feelings either. Just let them in and let them go as they pass through you. Avoiding sadness with anger will only delay sadness which will still follow eventually. Allow yourself to cry when tears are coming up and allow yourself to throw tantrums by hitting a pillow when you feel anger coming up. But don't dwell on despair that there is no love out there for you. When this is over, you will feel the freedom and your heart will be ready and open to love again.

 

Heartbreak.

Imagine going through grief as a visual picture. Think of it as being in a boat drifting by the current on a cold dark river in the forest covered by a deep fog. The only way out is not to force anything but let the current take you through. If I try to take it into my own hands and move the boat faster or look for a shortcut, I am in danger of being stuck in the stale water, sinking or getting lost by taking the wrong turn. This is what heartbreak feels like, being stuck in grief for much longer than you need to. Trying to escape by holding on to a new feeling, a quick fix or addiction (taking the wrong turn), going back to the old flame in hopes of getting them back without forgiving them for what they did in the first place (trying to go against the current only to take ourselves back), dwelling on anger and resentment (being stuck in stale water) or doing something hurtful to ourselves and/or trying to hurt our ex to get back at them. So when we eventually do get out of this and move on, we don't want to get into another relationship for a long time, because we don't want to go through this pain ever again. So we stay single for years and avoid any type of intimate interaction which is another symptom of a heartbreak. Now we dwell in a different water of sadness and loneliness, which becomes familiar and comfortable to us.

 

Your remedy.

There is one powerful remedy that can help you go through the grief and heartbreak. This remedy may prevent your pain from turning into suffering and it may even prevent your grief from turning into heartbreak. And that is not letting yourself go through it alone. The good news is that you don't have to be alone while you're going through pain of grief. It is very important to be around people who are willing to support you and not judge you or push their own agenda on you. If you have a friend or a family member who can be of such service to you, that's wonderful. If not, there are many services out there available for this purpose, I can tell you more about them over the phone. As a coach I can be of service to you and help you get through the grief of a break up and a heartbreak.

 

 

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© 2008 Katherine Bouglai. Singles coach.